Category: Thoughts

Posted in Thoughts

A life-changing year!

Posted on by kokomeau

(This post was written November of 2024)

If someone had told me in 2022 that 2024 would bring me—not quite full circle, since I’ve never been here before, but here, to a place where happiness and contentment actually live—I wouldn’t have believed them for a second. Not a chance. That kind of thing is for storybooks or rom-coms that only exist on the big screen.

What began in the fall of 2023 as an e-Harmony connection with someone who lived two hours away has blossomed into a life with someone I could have only dreamed of—and often envied in others. Now that 2024 is drawing to a close, it feels like the perfect time to reflect and write it all down, if only to preserve these moments forever.

After being invited to move in with him, I packed up my beach life and embraced a new chapter with my new love in April. In May and June, I spent three wonderful weeks in Ireland on a pre-planned family trip. Then, in July, he and I set out together on an incredible two-month adventure visiting our family and friends from Florida to Michigan, including a big family reunion in Grand Rapids. It was an unforgettable journey of connections for both of us.

In September, we traveled to St. Simons Island, just south of Savannah, Georgia, for a week-long reunion with his siblings. It was a chance for me to get to know his family better and see the place where they had vacationed as kids.

October took us to Oklahoma, where we visited my son’s family and enjoyed the grandkids’ extracurricular activities. For Thanksgiving, we flew to Sacramento and drove to the charming town of Jackson, California, to celebrate with his daughter and her family. While there, we took advantage of our location with a visit to Lake Tahoe, the local wineries and the indescribable tall trees!

And now it’s December. With all the travel, we decided to stay closer to home for the holidays. We’ll be spending Christmas in the oldest city in the country, St. Augustine, Florida, probably THE best place to immerse yourself in the holiday spirit.

Not a bad year at all—and certainly not one I could have predicted for myself. But after reading The Secret, I suppose it shouldn’t have been such a surprise. If you take nothing else from this blog entry, take this: read that book. It truly can be life-changing.

It HAS been life-changing!

Posted in Randomness, Thoughts

“STAAAAAAHHHHHHP!” Ugh

Posted on by kokomeau

I wrote this post in September of 2020. This was mid the COVID shutdowns, pre-election, and sometime after the George Floyd protests. I can’t remember why I didn’t post it, but I’m posting it now despite the months gone by because, frankly, not much has changed.

If we really want to bring about change, if we really want to bring peace back to society, as hokie as it sounds, it needs to start at home. And as nearly impossible as it would be to change things at this point, we need to think about the messages being sent and received via the movies, video games, and social media available to our kids and the rest of us. Have you heard about Evil Dead, RoboCop, Natural Born Killers, Kill Bill? Of course you have. And our kids have seen them. Have you ever played any of the violent and graphic video games? They have. I will concede that these types of media do not cause violence in young people. But I absolutely believe that it desensitizes them to violence by way of a reset button. If you think the ratings listed on the jackets of these games and movies prevent teens and pre-teens from being able to watch or play, think again. We didn’t have the vast quantity of these problems before these movies and games. And I’m not referring to racial tensions. I’m referring to the overt violence that’s out there and the overall disrespect, entitlement, and antipathy among so many of our young people across all races.

Sorry.

This isn’t going to be fixed overnight. We’ve a helluva long way to go before the pendulum even begins to swing back. I believe it’ll get worse before it gets better. They’re now calling for the dismantling of police departments. (Who will they call when help is needed?) There will be no more Aunt Jemima (sorry, Nancy Green) or Eskimo Pies. Hey, here’s an idea! How about we keep Eskimo Pies and get rid of excessive violence in movies and video games? Uh, no. Sorry. Too much dinero to be made there. Think of the Seven Deadly Sins, and we’re not far off.

The message is there if we can get back to it through the clutter of Antifa, COVID, hateful rhetoric from both the left and the right. Racial inequity needs to end, so how about we stop referring to people by their color or ethnicity. Refuse to select your ethnicity on all forms. Don’t allow our leaders to politicize ethnicity to get votes; they’ll only bail on you once elected. Look at history, and see who actually did something about change rather than who just talked about what they’d do ‘if elected!’

I’m so tired of it all. I’m not interested in debating one single thing. I don’t know it all, nor do you. I just know it has to stop.

Posted in Moving forward, Thoughts

A life that I love

Posted on by kokomeau
I saw this humungous white feather recently while spending some time with my daughter at the beach. I knew Mom and Dad and all our loved ones were smiling down and watching over us.

Several years ago, after meeting David, I was updating passwords. I used the words ‘newme…’ in many.

But that was the old me; I know that now. That was the me that settled, that overthought, that didn’t listen to my gut, my Holy Spirit, the me that lived with ‘shoulds’ and ‘what-ifs’. And look where it got me.

It got me to believe in myself. It got me from the thick of the forest and the depth of the rabbit hole to the clearing on the other side where I’ve learned I don’t ‘need’ anyone else to be happy with myself. I’ve packed and moved twice in as many months. I’ve assembled all types of furniture, fixed my e-bike and my car, put up home hardware I never had before, all the time relying on ME. And the feeling of accomplishment I got is so much more satisfying than I could have imagined.

Believe me, I’m still a work in progress. I still have to learn to accept God’s love for me even when I don’t understand it. Would I like someone to share my life with? Sure. But I now know that I won’t settle for the same ol’, same ol’. I may never have that ‘love of my life’ feeling, and I can accept that gladly. But I will have a life that I love.

Posted in Moving forward, Thoughts

You Learn

Posted on by kokomeau 
"After a while you learn the subtle difference
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul.
And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning,
And company doesn’t mean security.
And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts,
And presents aren’t promises.
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes open
With the grace of a woman,
Not the grief of a child.
And you learn to build all your roads on today,
Because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans,
and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.
After a while you learn that even sunshine
Burns if you get too much.
So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,
Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure…
that you really are strong,
and you really do have worth,
and you learn and learn…
With every goodbye you learn."

By Jorge Luis Borges
Posted in Moving forward, Thoughts

The Other Side

Posted on by kokomeau

My last few posts have been, well, depressing is one word that comes to mind; a little disturbing since now, looking back, I see the progression towards the rabbit hole I’d tried so hard to resist and avoid. But there it was, lurking just beyond the forest as I made my way through. Or at least I thought I had.

I’m not going to repeat the past months here, only to say that I had hoped I could stay at White Feather for at least a year. Turns out I could not. Turns out I had six months, which would have had me looking for another place to rent in the midst of snowbird arrivals and holidays. I couldn’t face that, so I started looking for a rental. Again. Everything was overpriced, overly small, or just a room in a house. The fact that I looked at Facebook Marketplace at all still surprises me. But again, Mom is up there guiding me in ways I’m not aware of until afterward. On there I found a 2/2 condo on the third floor of a 55+ complex on the outskirts of Ormond Beach – yes, I now have a Daytona Beach address – but it overlooks the pool and the Intracoastal and I have it for a year, at least. I again started packing. I arranged for movers this time, and in mid July, I got the keys to my current place. I’ve had to start completely over again. Oh, I had some kitchen stuff, a lamp or two, my office. But no furniture to speak of. No bed, no dresser, no living room, dining room; nothing that makes a home livable. Thankfully the place had some very old, very dated things in it that got me by until the house sale when I was finally able to hit some used furniture places and start filling it in.

I think it’s so interesting how we perceive ourselves. I’ve gotten through some pretty difficult times going back to my teens, and usually, at the time, I’d wonder how I was going to do it. This past year is almost a repeat of the period my dad died, though I won’t go into that. Suffice it to say, this wasn’t my first rodeo. And while my head was going in a million different directions still waiting on the house sale, still waiting on the divorce, planning a move again, juggling all that, my days consisted of going through the motions of putting one foot in front of the other, falling into a fitful sleep, and repeating that the next day.

My friend Anita and I share a common experience with what we call ‘the rabbit hole.’ It’s a dark place that gets more comfortable the longer you’re in it. Comfortable to the point where you don’t want to climb out, you don’t want to interact with anyone; not your friends, not your kids; you just want to lay down and be miserable in your misery. That’s where my good friend Chris found me the last time. After sharing her experience and how she finally came out of it, I decided the next day to contact my doctor who suggested we try an antidepressant. He said it could take two to three weeks to see results. Silently I wondered if I could make it that long. He called it in. It was a low dose, so I wasn’t expecting a miracle. I know about depression and chemical imbalances in the brain. Again, the rodeo thing. I was loathe to go back down this road, but I knew I had to do something.

Morning came, and it was as if a fog had lifted and pulled me out of the hole. Just like that. I woke no longer feeling the heavy weight of sadness and despair that had plagued me. It wasn’t as if I were high or giddy. No. It was an evening of my mood, a balance that wasn’t there before. My tolerance and patience came back. I wasn’t crying or tearing up suddenly. I was … relieved. If it hadn’t happened to me, I wouldn’t have believed it could happen that quickly. What it suggests to me is that the stress of the past six months had taken its toll on my body, both externally with the eczema, and internally in my brain, knocking out whatever that pill replaced so that I could function again, live again, enjoy the sunrises and sunsets again.

I think I’m on the other side now, or at least pretty darned close to it. It’s been less than a month that I left Flagler Beach, but it seems like a lifetime ago. If you’ve never experienced a deep depression, first be grateful, but second, don’t underestimate the seriousness and scariness of it. I don’t ever want to go there again. If I have to stay on these, I will, but we’ll see. I will be forever grateful to Chris who most likely saved me from either being Baker Acted or not being here at all. I think there’s only so much one body can take. When this happened long ago, I had family around, lots of friends, my kids were younger and more dependent, and my mom came to my rescue. It was different, but it was still scary. This time it was just me. I’ve always believed that I’m strong, that I have what my dad used to call MOXY. And maybe I do. I’m still here; right?

Now I need to look forward and stop dwelling on what was, on what happened. It’s in the past. Everyone has problems. Everyone goes through hard times. Some have people around them, but some do not. I’ve learned to be more compassionate, more patient. I don’t judge. If you have been lucky enough to avoid the rabbit hole, be very grateful. Too many people don’t make it to the other side.

Posted in Family, Mom, Moving forward, Thoughts

She’s right here.

Posted on by kokomeau

I was treated by my cousin Julie to a psychic reading by a medium named Lori Lipton. Because we lived far apart, we did it via Zoom the last week of March. (Mom died March 7, 2024.) To say she was nothing short of amazing and the real thing would be to somehow minimize this meeting.

She began within minutes; in fact, she said so many people were coming through that she was just going to get right to it.

Mom was there immediately, then Dad, then someone she believed was Mom’s brother, and then Gramma Binsfeld.

She said Mom looked just beautiful, but not in the earthly sense; more like angelic. ‘Did we share a name’? (My middle name is hers.) She said Mom seemed very strong for someone who had just passed. She talked about her very, very strong faith, about the Blessed Mother, her love of Jesus.

She said Dad was the love of her life. She saw music between them. She said they were like notes who completed a beautiful chord. “Was there a nickname? I keep hearing – it doesn’t make any sense to me – Okie? Okie- … is it Okie-Dokie’?“

Mom was just SO HAPPY! ‘She can’t believe she can be heard!’ And she wanted me to know “It’s real! There absolutely IS a heaven!!”

Lori relayed, She is so grateful for her family. She keeps saying the word, ‘Lucky.’ ‘Are we LUCKY?!’ I laughed and showed her my tattoo (in Mom’s handwriting, her favorite saying, “Are we lucky – or WOT!”). I showed her Dad’s Smile tattoo. She loved them but said, ‘Your mom doesn’t really like tattoos; she doesn’t know why anyone would do that to their bodies, but she really likes the sentiment.’ I told her Mom had said those exact words to me so many times about ‘someone doing that to their bodies.’ But she never said it directly to anyone who got one.

She mentioned there was a special place on a lake. (She spent her childhood summers on Lake Huron.)

Dad – He was very responsible. He said, about his kids, “If God believes I can have 11 kids, then I can!” She said, “He showed you the way and left it to you to follow.” At the end, he was finally glad to go and was so grateful he went with dignity. They both were.

And then on to me:

I had to say my complete name three times. She said almost immediately but hesitantly, “The Jackson name does not resonate with you.” “Your mom is very disappointed in him.” Then, “He is not who he claimed to be.”

From both Mom and Dad, “Throw that guy out. It’s time to cut your losses, protect your assets. The house is yours if you want it. It’s yours” I had not mentioned anything about the house yet but later learned that the deed was ‘and/or’.

From Mom, “You need to see who you are. You deserve to be here.”

From Dad, “Be fair…as long as you win.”(LOL!)

About Dad:

“He’s very funny. He says he looks about 20 years younger than when he passed.” I asked if I showed her a picture of him would she recognize him; she said sure! I showed her the black and white one we all like. Then she started laughing, kept trying to tell me what he was saying but couldn’t get it out from laughing. She finally said, “He says to tell you he’s even better looking now!”

I asked about Meg:

“Do you share a name with your daughter?” (Our middle names.) “She’s very supportive of you.” She said that Meg would marry, but not until she was in her early 40’s. It will be a wonderful love.

I asked about Amy: “Did she have cancer?” Yes. “I’m seeing something about hair.” I said Amy had asked me to shave the rest of her head when she lost her hair to chemo. “She fought a very tough battle. She loved your mom so much.”

It went on for an hour – the fastest hour ever, I might add. When it was over and done, I had such a feeling of complete happiness. She only confirmed what I already knew, that Mom is here with me always. I talk to her all the time. She helps me find things and reminds me what’s important when my mind wanders too much. And while I grieve her loss, I don’t feel like I miss her in the typical sense. I can’t. She’s right here.

Right here.
Posted in #bloganuary, Thoughts

Feelings make memories

Posted on by kokomeau

“People will forget what you say. People will forget what you do. But people will never forget how you make them feel.”

Maya Angelou

I love this quote. It is such a true statement. Be it an argument, a tender moment, a scary scene, or a hilarious joke, you will forget exactly what was said or perhaps even the cause, but you will remember the feeling associated with it and be able to pull that feeling up in your memory and your heart.

I think feelings are what make memories. My daughter claims to have very little recollection of her childhood; she was always looking forward to what’s next. As an adult who loves to travel, I’ve suggested to her that she absolutely live in the moment, look around and place her entire self there and feel; acknowledge any event, good or bad, appreciate your place in that scene, and see if it helps when trying to recall it. I think it has worked for her. Recounting her last solo trip, I could feel in the telling the excitement of kayaking in Venice and discovering the salt flats of Malta. She felt her memories.

Conversely, I believe this quote is exactly why men claim women have the memory of an elephant when it comes to an argument. I’m convinced it’s not that we remember the argument or even why there was an argument. We remember it because of how it made us feel.

bloganuary-screenshot-
The blogging challenge to keep you motivated and start the new year on the “write” track!
Posted in Childhood, holidays, Moving forward, Thoughts

And so it begins…

Posted on by kokomeau

It’s that time of year again. I can’t complain since last year was COVID where nothing was the same as before. But it does seem like ‘it’ starts earlier and earlier every year. Where I live in a 55+ community, I actually saw a Christmas tree in the window of a neighbor’s home around Halloween.

When I was younger, every holiday seemed like a separate event to me. Now, with retailers so aggressively promoting Christmas earlier and earlier, it feels like all the preceding holidays take either a back seat, or they are simply whizzed through to get to The Big Event. Interestingly, while shopping for Thanksgiving dinner, I searched high and low for decorations for the table and a little something for the yard. I went to Hobby Lobby and Michael’s and found nothing! (I didn’t try Walmart. I just can’t.) When did they stop Thanksgiving displays?

And so now the outside Christmas decorations are beginning to go up around me. I’m tempted to join in. In fact, I was this close to putting up the tree for Thanksgiving! You have to understand; when we were kids – hand to God – we did not get a tree until Christmas Eve! (Of course I now realize it was because the trees were so cheap by then.) We would then spend the day happily decorating it, totally oblivious to the fact that this was not what every other family did.

Thank God I have a robust relationship with Amazon. I have been Christmas shopping for months. In fact, I’m pretty much done but for a few things here and there — oh, and stocking stuffers. So it’s not like I didn’t know it was coming, and coming fast. It’s just that when it does come so fast, I somehow want to slow it down, kind of stave it off for as long as I can, not because I don’t like Christmas, but because I do.

I wonder if it’s because these end-of-year holidays are just that. They are the beginning of the end of the current year, rolling us into the next. It feels sometimes like it’s an accelerating somersault that begins with Labor Day and rolls us through Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year’s Eve, only to land us seated, feet splayed, hands braced, and eyes crossed, bracing us for the new year where we’ll start all over again.